023. 2013.

Time for a yearly recap, isn’t it? I have been putting it off because to put it plainly, 2013 sucked. I spent most of it so utterly worn down by my mental health that I sometimes didn’t leave the apartment for weeks. I just couldn’t see any reason for doing it. Come September I finally had my meds checked over, after waiting a full seven months (I was supposed to have an appointment in February but there were no doctors so they just… didn’t bother), and now I feel somewhat better. Still fragile in some ways, but I feel like I’m getting there. I can cook more, I’m cleaning a bit more than I used to, etc. So that’s a start.

My goals for last year mostly weren’t fulfilled, but let’s run through them anyway:

Spend more time on original writing, less on just fucking around.
Nope. Did not happen. I did love my NaNo novel and will get back to it some time soon, but for most of the year I did no original writing at all. I had one thing published (one a year three years running now!), an essay in Queers Dig Time Lords by Mad Norwegian Press.

Read 25 books.
Nope. I made it to 19, which isn’t awful, but not great either. I think my favourite books of the year was The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, which I can’t say much about without spoiling it but it was beautiful, Only Ever Always by Penni Russon (reviewed here and omg I loved it so much), The Name of the Star and The Madness Underneath by Maureen Johnson (sort of reviewed here) and Untold by Sarah Rees Brennan. I also quite liked Doll Bones by Holly Black and Abhorsen by Garth Nix. Wasn’t a big fan of Lirael, book 2 in the series, though. I read book 1 in 2012 so it doesn’t count.

Take my meds, cook food at least twice a week (yes, it really is that bad), leave the apartment occasionally.
Somewhat. I took my meds, but they didn’t help. I cooked a little, I rarely went outside. A bit more towards the end of the year, though, so that’s something.

If I feel okay come summer, get another cat (!)
Did not happen, mostly because the summer was a pretty awful time.

Try not to withdraw socially (Twitter counts! For now. Because I’m sad.)
Nope. I failed massively on Twitter and blog reading, but made a few friends elsewhere online. Still not great.

Yoga/Couchto5k/Something else. If you can.
Nope. I kind of want to start going to the gym again though, if I can afford it and I feel strong enough. Giving it a month or so to recover from Christmas funtimes.

This is a pretty depressing end of the year summary, sorry. It just wasn’t a very good year. My goals for next year (not resolutions, I don’t do resolutions) will be the following:

- Spend more time offline. It’s good for you.
- Work out maybe? Or do walks. Something like that.
- Cook more often. Bake a bit. It would be cool to learn how to make gluten free bread.
- Remember fat acceptance and health at every size. Practice it.
- Drink more water (at least 1 liter per day would be excellent, 0.5 liter minimum).
- Another cat? Is this the year for that?
- Work on a novel or short story or SOMETHING at least two days a week. You can dooooo it.

And that’s going to have to do because there’s a game on in 15 minutes. LET’S GO PENS.

019.

So I did finish NaNoWriMo. Sixth consecutive year, seventh over all. Last year was a struggle and I pretty much hated the book by week 2. This year was a lot easier, once I swapped the tense and points of view around a bit. Once I’ve had a breather and submitted some other stuff I will go back to it because it’s a story I will finish. Once I read a lot of comics and watch a lot of X-Men, that is. Because I still have no idea what I’m doing in regards to the powers these kids have or how they even work.

Yep. I’m writing superpowers. ME. It’s really different, but fun. Lots of fun.

Another good thing: I feel well enough to actually do things like cleaning for Christmas, thinking about baking cookies and saffron buns and making my own Christmas cards. Last year I couldn’t even be bothered to put up the tree. This year I’m buying decorations. I may run out of spoons and not do half the stuff I have planned, but but just thinking about doing these things and not freak out from the pressure is weird. Good weird, but weird all the same. Basically: I think the meds are working. I’m tentative in the whole NOW I’M HEALTHY AGAIN HOORAY thing because I don’t trust my body enough to believe that this is it, but even small steps like this is exciting. Which I guess tells you a lot about the last few years in Kaialand.

Finally, a few pictures…

07 05 04
03 02 01

They can be summed up as: hand knits are awesome, I love my sewing corner, I do all my typing with my hands sticking out under my cats belly and I don’t recommend living through the biggest snow storm in years with a window that doesn’t close. Also, it’s advent.

017. NaNoWriMo, day 19.

32132 / 52500 (61.20%)

I went to the library after my doctor’s appointment today (which I had to ask for a bill for because I didn’t have the 300 SEK – that’s about 40 USD – that it cost), and wrote for two hours. You would think that I would get my words done in that time but because I’m insane I started restructuring things and swapping POVs around so that took most of that time. I do like it better now, though, so that’s good. I attempt to write books in different styles, tenses and such, but I seem to always end up with first person, present tense and a multitude of narrators. I guess it’s just my thing.

I’m also reading this book called Makalösa kvinnor which is Swedish for ‘Exceptional women’, except make (male) or maka (female) also means spouse, and lös also means ‘loose’ or, in this context, ‘-less’. As in ‘spouseless’, which isn’t a word in English, I know, but it’s really not one in Swedish either. ANYWAY. It’s about women transgressing gender barriers in history, and there’s a number of essays, most which are really interesting. One of them talks about how in the 16th-17th century there were a range of genders; male, female and ‘other’, although ‘other’ also had a range within itself. You could go to a midwife and get a paper confirming your sex, and there was at least one (biological) woman who did it and was proven to be male after the midwife glanced at the bulge in her pants. Which I assume she’d stuffed with something. And no, her employer didn’t see anything weird in his employee suddenly showing paperwork about being a dude, because people had already been gossiping that she was (and I quote, I hate this word) a hermaphrodite. You know. Since she wore men’s clothing on occasion.

There was one woman who was executed for this, and the verdict specified that she had to wear men’s clothing and a woman’s headscarf as she was beheaded. Further back there were women who were similarly executed, but it was done by hanging, because that was a ‘male’ way of doing it, while beheading and so on was more a women’s crime type thing. I’m not sure if this was done to shame them further or what, but it seems a bit odd, since it’s basically confirming their status as men. But then again, I am not a historian. At all. There might be Reasons I don’t really get.

I was also amused by the amount of women who married these women-pretending-to-be-men and when they were found out they just flat out said that no, they had no idea. Sex? Oh no they just weren’t into that. And the courts usually accepted it without further questioning, probably because the idea of women sleeping with women was a bit uncomfortable, to say the least, and they just didn’t want to poke around in it. The thing that’s sad about many of these stories is that most of them end with the person in question falling in love with a (biological) man, marrying him and going back to being ‘a proper woman’. Mysteriously they suddenly become really into female type activities too, even if they previous were really bad at and/or hated sewing and such.

And yes, this might just be research for a certain anthology. I didn’t mean to do so much reading on the topic, but once I got started it was hard to stop.

016. NaNoWriMo, day 12. And muffins.

20875 / 52500 (39.76%)

I’m doing decently with NaNoWriMo. And yes, my wordcount is 52,500 rather than 50,000. It turns out the short story I wrote to get myself familiar with the universe didn’t want to be a short story. It wanted to be a first chapter. So yeah. Extra words needed.

Now that my meds are (mostly) working I am trying to actually remember how to be functional. After spending most of the year hiding under the covers because I had no medication that worked and couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment, that’s really hard. I’m just not used to it. The schedule I posted about last time is going so-so – I’m definitely not going for walks every single day, and I never “work” for four hours in a day. Ever. But I try to do a couple of hours and it’s sort of working. Even if I still go to bed at 3 am more often than not because my tragically CST timezone afflicted friend never gets home from work before 1 am my time. But you know, it really doesn’t matter when I do my sleeping. If my goal for the day is to cook something, do some dishes, and write for two hours because that’s all I have spoons for, why does it have to be at 9 am? (It doesn’t. It’s as simple as that.)

As far as food goes, today I made these using this recipe. The flours used was about 150 grams random gluten free flour mix (this one had whole oats sprinkled into it, which was weird but very yum), 50 grams buckwheat flour and only 30 ickle grams almond flour, since the latter is so expensive that buying it makes me want to cry. It makes really good food though. I used three medium eggs instead of two large and about 400 grams of bananas. Aaaand the magic ingredient (as it turned out) was to replace half of the walnuts with dark chocolate chips.

(This is all notes for when I make this recipe again, #sorrynotsorry.)

And as it’s 3:06 am I suppose I’m past my bedtime. So if you’ll excuse me, I will congratulate myself for having the energy to both cook, clean out the fridge, do dishes, bake and write 2500 words in one day by creeping to bed. And hopefully using all those spoons today won’t leave me at a shortage for the next three days.

Fingers crossed, etc.