It’s ironic, how as soon as I decided to at least try to turn my life around at least a little, I fell into the biggest slump ever. This week I had one day when I burst into tears at least a dozen times, and a whole other day when I went to sit in the dark with music to block out all sound, because there were too many people in the room.

So either I’m having a dip (fucking bipolar, I hate you) or I’m getting worse. Again I don’t know which and it would be less worrying if I knew when I’d get to see a psychiatrist.

Let me fill you in on this one:

I live in a small town in Sweden where no psychiatrists apparently want to live ever, nor do they want to work at the (state run, I guess? Idk the proper term) mental health clinic because nobody wants to work there so working there sucks. I’m told by my sister who has four months left before she’ll be a licensed nurse (right now she’s in Tanzania on a work study thing, how cool is that?), that makes complete sense. The health care is seriously lacking in this country, and so many doctors and nurses simply can’t do it, it’s too stressful to cope.

But back to the story: at the only mental health clinic in town they have no psychiatrists, so they keep having to rent doctors from other clinics in other towns. Which is expensive and leads to them having even less time and money to put down on treating their actual patients, who get a new doctor every single time, because none of them stay more than a month or two. I think I’ve seen six or eight in the last couple of years, only one more than once.

I was promised by one of the temporary psychiatrists I saw in January that I would get contacted before my sick leave paperwork idk what you call it in English ran out. I never was, so I called them and was told that I’m on a waiting list. They can’t even tell me if it will take a month or more to get my appointment.

So hahahaha I need to contact the aköfhdaöfdhafdahfdafd everything in the whole world to tell them this clinic sucks but that their paperwork will be in SOME TIME THIS YEAR HOPEFULLY BEFORE SUMMER and hope they are okay with that explanation or I’ll lose my precious precious income.

Being mentally ill really sucks. You have to be healthy to be able to do all the phone calls and arguing and stuff for your appointments. Which… you wouldn’t need if you were healthy.

So yeah, that’s a whole new kind of stress, and I really don’t need it right now. I try to hang in there and do my best to get better, but it’s hard when it’s like this. My mum says she’ll pay for a private therapist (we have those), but I’ve seen so many and they all say the same things, and I can basically script their answers out before they even say them. But maybe I will. I don’t know. I guess we’ll see.

But this? This is really fucking frustrating