When I’m feeling bad there’s no chance in hell that I’ll get any writing done. At all.

And as awful as it is, it was even worse when I lived in Linköping. There I was told that if I wasn’t suicidal, had OCD or was bipolar (I didn’t know I was then, ha), there were no appointments available. It’s just SO FRUSTRATING.

Since your mum says she can pay for it, could you see a private psychiatrist? I know those are really hard to find as well, but at least you’d get the paperwork you need. And meds of course.

I hate cooking, really fucking hate it, it drains me, can’t manage it even when I’m not depressed. Luckily I live with someone who has slightly less trouble cooking than I do. Thanks to her, I don’t leave solely on sandwiches. And I try to not give myself shit about what I eat or do not eat. It’s really (I mean REALLY) hard, but I have to try.

You know, just like there’s a lot of shame in being fat (because, you know, society), there’s also a LOT of shame in not eating what is considered healthy. It’s the same as eating disorders really – food is divided into “good” and “bad”, when it’s really all just food. I’m not saying that eating only chips is great for you, but I wish you could cut yourself some slack. It’s okay that you’re losing weight because you are too depressed to cook. Not okay as in you should keep going indefinitely, but okay as in it has nothing to do with your value as a human being. Okay as in you’re really doing the best you can.

I hope I read your entry right and that I’m not upsetting you. I know what it’s like to be depressed – it’s really hard enough without the additional self loathing because you cannot behave (like cook or eat) like non-depressed people. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. I hope that’s okay.

HAES means every size. You can be healthy & thin or fat or inbetween, or whatever. It sounds like you’re not so healthy right now but even being able to talk about this probably means you’re heading in the right direction. Baby steps.

Can I suggest something? Maybe make a list of dishes that you consider healthy and nutritious, that only take a couple of steps to make. Like – avocado squished into a sandwich. Or, hot soup stock heated up with frozen vegies in it. Apples with peanut butter, whatever. If you make a list of things which take minimal effort, maybe another list of things that take a little more effort, then you don’t have to THINK each time.

Fruit does not require to be cooked. No excuses there, sweetie. Also if you add salsa & cheese to chips it totally counts as a meal.

I have a friend who is a mother of 3 and she hates/is exhausted by cooking. Thinking up what to cook is not her superpower and it’s a constant source of stress. Planning meals takes away the decision making aspect through the week, which makes it easier for her to cope. It’s not the cooking so much as – the deciding to cook.

If none of this is helpful then ignore, ignore, ignore. What do I know? But making lists used to be a helpful tool for you.

xxxxx